Watching Other People Build Lives While I Scroll Mine Away

For the longest time, I avoided Instagram. There was no particular reason. I just didn’t want to be on it.

Then one day in 2019, my brother kept insisting that I make an account. Told me it’s a great way to connect with people and keep up with what was going on around the world.

At first it was fun.

I followed my favorite celebrities

Spent way too much time trying out filters

Laughed at the most random memes

And even began posting pictures of myself.

But over time the fun began to slip away.

I began checking my follower count every day.

I got offended when someone didn’t like my post.

And I opened my story over and over again hoping that the guy I liked viewed it.

It took me a long time to realize that rather than using Instagram, Instagram was starting to use me.

When I woke up this morning a sudden realization came to me that 2019 was seven years ago.

There has not been a single day in the last seven years where I haven’t opened Instagram at least once in the day. Crazy right?

Those seven years flew by and somewhere along the way I grew up.

I finished high school

went to university

completed my degree

worked random part time jobs

but the one thing that remained consistent was Instagram.

I would try to deny it. Say that I don’t use the app that much. Pretend like it’s just there on my phone, and I have enough self-control to not use it daily. But that would be a lie.

I’d fallen into the trap.

The first thing I do in the morning is check Instagram.

The last thing I do before bed is scroll.

I tried to break the habit, even attempted to fully distance myself from it.

I set a daily time limit on the app and asked my sister to make the screen time password so I wouldn’t be tempted to go above the limit.

But it just made the obsession worse as I found myself feeling anxious watching the time come to an end.

I once found myself scrolling well past midnight. As I watched reel after reel, the time lapsed and suddenly I got the 5 minute warning.

I immediately opened WhatsApp and messaged my sister, begging her to give up the password.

A few months later, a sudden burst of determination led me to delete Instagram altogether. This lasted 2 hours… and I was downloading the app again. Telling myself I’d delete it again in a few minutes.

I keep telling myself that Instagram is not all that bad. It really has allowed me to reconnect with friends and family from around the world. I started sharing my photography and made a separate account to share my poems.

Then my feed began to fill up with those “day in the life” reels. I was watching other people build lives for themselves.

A girl whose cookie business sold out every week.

A girl who started a snail mail club and somehow shipped over a thousand letters a month.

A girl making handmade scrunchies from her bedroom and turning it into a real business.

Meanwhile, I was the girl behind the screen.

Watching their routines

Watching their progress

Watching their success

Dreaming that one day it would be me.

Hoping that a switch would turn on and I’d somehow find the courage to turn away from the screen and focus on creating something meaningful for myself.

And I realized that these things were all just excuses.

I tried to play it off, convinced myself that I was looking for inspiration.

But at what point do I stop looking for gratification from other people and start seeking it for myself?